A Satellite Phone 

Let's face it: most features offered by phone manufacturers are a complete waste of your time and your hard-pirated money. Text Messaging. Downloadable Google Maps. Multi-Touch screens. Cameraphones. It's just a bunch of foolish talk what don't make any sense... I mean who the bloody hell wants to talk to a camera? Or take a picture of their phone... or whatever it is they be wanting you to do with these things. No lads, let's be keepin' the rPhone simple.

Good Vibrations

When's the last time you were aboard a marked ship, creeping up behind some big galoot, ready to peel him ear-to-ear, only to receive a call from your dear old Mother? Holla. Yar, we've all been there. We mightn't be stinkin' Ninjers, but pirates depend on stealth the same as any professional. That's why rPhone has the most powerful vibrating alert in the entire telecom industry. Oscillating at an astonishing 2,300 kilocycles/second, rPhone is powerful enough to alert you to a meeting while loosening those tight muscles and jimmying locks on even the most secure of executive washrooms.

Agitate those Molecules!

rPhone uses exotic high-velocity soundwave technology that actually reverses the polarity of the neutron flow in almost all known materials!! "Obtained" from a consultant to a classified British paramilitary group by Captain Drew in the late 1980's, this "sonic" technology can be used to "evacuate" brigs, gaeols, dungeons, yardarms, planks, police call boxes and a variety of other types of places you'd probably best well avoid. But that's not all! rPhone's vibrating action can help you "infiltrate" treasure chests, gold mines, colonial cash reserve banks, Steely Dan concerts and every bra known to man. Yes, the lassies dig that Vibrasonic Action.

Just imagine all the adventures you'll have, Skippy!