PiratePalooza.com

The "Captain Drew is Totally Awesome" Page

This page was personally designed by me, Captain Drew!!!

A Brief History of the Captain

Captain Drew is a space pirate with a penchant for cleavage, adventure, music and rum. Dashingly handsome1, Captain Drew is known throughout the cosmos as the inventor of the rPhone™ and the rPlank™, an author on many various topics, the director of an award-proof series of video adventures, and the founder of the annual PiratePalooza™ Pubcrawl in Decatarrrr.

Researchers at PiratePalooza™ University work diligently to recover and curate historical evidence of the Captain's influence on Earth's history. Listed below are a few of significant moments in the Captain's past.

Prehistory

Examples of Paleolithic "spit art" attributed to Captain Drew have been recorded at pre-historic sites around the globe. While it's possible the Captain's trademarked symbol might have been created by accident by the cave-dwellers, most archeologists agree that the Paleolithic people were not known to wear dueling gauntlets.

Mesopotamian Mud Link

In the region known as ancient Mesopotamia archaeologists continue to discover etchings of the Captain's double-humped PiratePalooza™ symbol on pottery shards dating from the world's earliest confirmed containers of ancient Sumerian beer, giving credence to the legend of a "wild man" the Sumerians called 'Keptindru' a name the Babylonian language would later transform into 'Enkidu'.

1500s Commedia dell'arte

Records provide independent written confirmation by Vasari, Grazzini, and Du Bellay describing an unusual theatrical performance for the exiled Archbishop of Florence (Antonio Altoviti) around 15512. Translations of the texts provide clues of a 'drunken 'buffoni' wearing a tan mask (a novel idea at the time), giant gloves, and giant boots' who stumbled onstage during a performance by Benedetto Cantinella's troupe of comedic actors, shouting "Il capitano Drew vuole un po 'di rum!" and igniting a legendary fistfight which is said to have lasted for seven hours. So inspired was Grizzani by the skirmish, he published a poem about the epic fight (or 'scaramuccia' in Italian). The roguish masked character was quickly seized upon by other performing troupes and soon came to be known as 'Scaramouche'. Over time masks became a hallmark of the Italian street theater and Captain Drew's influence faded into history.

1920s Influence on American Cinema

While the exact date is debated, film historians all concur that in the month of May of 1919 the Captain slipped on a wine bottle at the Beverly Hills Hotel and tumbled down a flight of stairs, landing upside down on a dessert trolley and rolling through a packed ballroom, out into the street where he sailed down Sunset until landing atop a bread truck driven by a struggling writer named Johnston McCulley. A few months later McCulley would sell a short story titled 'The Curse of Capistrano' to All-Story Weekly for $25. The story's hero, a dashing masked man with a sword, would soon spark the nation's imagination. Unfortunately, the studio changed the costume to all-black, ensuring that the Captain would miss out on fame yet again.

2000s and Beyond

Content to live in obscurity, the Captain enjoys plying trade routes in deep space looking for cargo to plunder, puttering around in his workshop inventing new technologies "for the silly Earthfolk to enjoy", and long conversations about breasts. His most recent historical miss was a device known simply as the rPlank™, a product he claims is far superior to Apple's tablet device, designed expressly for pirates.

The Captain's Tweets

The Captain's (b)Log

[Raw Feed]

Captain Drew Yelps!

The Captain enjoys eating out and will occasionally share his experiences with trendy lubbers on Yelp.com. If you be a Yelper, be sure to befriend Captain Drew on Yelp!

Before Walter could escape back to wherever it was that he normally hid, we shouted out orders in rapid succession. In a monotone drone Walter repeated our orders back to us, though he could have just as easily been reading from the Bombay railway timetables... we just moved our heads in that circular motion which is neither a yes or a no, but the intergalactic sign of utter bewilderment when you don't understand someone but think that you'd best pretend you do...

Captain Drew on Yelp.com

The Cabin Grrrrlz Club

Are you an awkward young woman between the ages of 18 and 293 with limited social skills, a penchant for wearing corsets and very little self-respect? Have you memorized the dialogue to a variety of out-of-date BBC productions starring Rowan Atkinson? Have you ever made, or do you plan to make, knitted garments (scarves, hats, thong underwear) featured in B-grade science fiction franchises? Do you own more than one pair of stripey stockings? Do you like sitting in laps? If you said "yes" to any of these things you may be a candidate for "The Cabin Grrrrlz", a fan-based, captain-endorsed organization devoted to idolizing Captain Drew.

Have you seen our sexy new Cabin Grrrrlz Club merchandise? We haz it nao! (that's the way that hot girls in this demographic write things and you should follow that link!)

A 1-Year Membership in The Cabin Grrrrlz is an easy $125 payment away! Lucky members may receive:

  • a handsome laminated membership card;
  • a wallet-sized photo of Captain Drew;
  • a simulated 5x7 autographed photo of Captain Drew, "suitable for framing";
  • a seat at "The Captain's Table" if you should ever manage to find the Captain's pirate ship (in space, mind you);
  • a clumsy attempt to grasp your breasts;
  • 3 minutes of uninterrupted conversation with the Captain before you are hustled away to look at the nifty keen merchandise available exclusively to members and other people who know about the website and/or the Internet in general;
  • a chance to join the even-more-exclusive "Insiders Club" for an additional $75 (a significant opportunity!)

Try it for FREE before you pay to join! Just visit The Cabin Grrrrlz Page over on Facebook to get an idea of all the many valuable things that membership brings. When you're ready to buy, just sign up below

Significant Opportunities!

The Cabin Grrrrlz Club is currently looking for an entirely new crew of leaders who aren't such cheapskates about membership fees or the required pillow-fights and booty calls cited in the fine print of the 200 page sign-up document4. If you are wealthy, potentially bossy young woman with poorly defined set of personal boundaries and a shaky understanding of legal agreements, please volunteer today. Our barristers urge you to consult with at least 25 people (including mental health professionals) before purchasing a 1-year membership.

Author & Innovator

The best and only survival guide to the rPlank™ − the preferred mobile platform for pirates on the go! Employing a system of Apparatuses (called "Apps" for short), the rPlank™ can do just about anything. Better than Steampunk, the rPlank™ uses Piratepunk™ technology! Available in color, black & white, and electronic versions - trade some of your gold for it today!

Footnotes:

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  1. No reliable source provided to support claim.
  2. 'The Art of Commedia: A Study in the Commedia Dell'Arte 1560-1620 with Special Reference to the Visual Records' page 83
  3. Cabin Grrrrlz over the age of 29 who wish to keep their jobs must pay $1 to Captain Drew and consider allowing him to spank them thoroughly (pursuant to their own religious and cultural beliefs -- legal dept) -- Sarah, this means you. Pony up a buck.
  4. We are currently unable to locate the 200+-page sign up book but we reserve the right to produce fine print at any point during the continuance of your particular civilization.